yine/again

i am waiting/home/I can't do..

Entellektüel bakan ya da bakmaya çalışan bacak aram, aslında hangi yönünün ağır bastığını bilmemenin avanaklığında dolanıyor bu günlerde. Boğazımda bir balgam, ellerim akan kalem mürekkebinin karası bekliyorum. Yutkundukça canım acıyor. Bekliyorum. Boynum kütürdüyor, sabit bir noktaya kitlenen bakışlarımın hapishanesi başımı sağdaki kedi biblosuna bakmak için çevirdiğimde. Nefesim, birinin karbondioksiti kokuyor. İlgisizliğimin boyası akmış saçlarıyla, koltukaltlarım bir adamın teriyle dolu. Elimde kalem, parmağımda ametist yüzüğüm bekliyorum. Negatif enerji adı verilen pessimist auramı içine çeksin diye takıyorum yüzüğü; yalanlarken benliğimi. Su olasım geliyor. Akıyorum içime. Sosis parmaklarımdan başlıyorum kendimi yemeğe. Ruhumu kemirgenler bastı. Elimde bir tek beden var. Ben de onu kemiriyorum. Kedi gibi yalıyorum bacaklarımı. Geçmiyor önceki gecenin kiri. Boyuyorum yüzümü; duruyor kırışıklıklar sapasağlam. Nasıl her detayı anlatmamdan sıkılıyorsa çevrem, ben de kendine has paranoyak yüzeyselliğinden boğuluyorum çevremin. Çizemediğim perspektiflerin kaçış noktasıyım şu an. Geceleri bakmaya dahi korktuğum öcülü dolapların içine girmek bile varlığımı harekete geçiremiyor. Korku bile yersiz. Korku bile bekleme odasında. Korku bile çiş gibi yitip gidiyor kanalizasyona. Bekliyorum. Ev. Yapamam.

sorry for english speakers!!

telepopmusik/close/////gorgeous!!!

I don’t put a smile upon your face no more
I can’t make your heart shine like it did before
You don’t listen to my stories anymore
You can’t comfort me the way you did before

Was I too loud, was I too bad
Was I too open
Was I too high, was I too fast
Was I too close

I don’t feel your lips like the first kiss
I’d rather run away than sit to face the truth

Was I too proud, was I too hopeful
Was I too needing
Was I too crazy, was I too long
Was I too giving

No matter how far, no matter how long
I will be there

virginia

mita, in oslo
ilse, in amsterdam

.......................................mita, in oslo
ilse, in amsterdam..............................

i, mean, ..

nobody believes in magic any more... everything is too rational and proportions are talking. nobody is ready for diving into the feelings or taking care of moments any more.
yesterday, i was completely half. i lost my music with whom i would like to share everything i have. i was trying to be kind to it and gentle more than i can. however, it just skipped my frequency to listen the one it got used to.
long live the rest, in my hands;
i thought;
i wished;
i guessed.

his, mine..

always

sth in between...

Explain Malmö to Miss Universe..

Well!! But who is she? Why is she the Universe? What is special with her? Does she prefer an explanation of Malmö rather than nothing? Does she like explanations; somewhere, somehow? She is a creative person with her wild feminist attacks to life and also a really talented and exciting woman. Perhaps a real one. How could I explain to her the place where she lives; as a well-known and loud person, she does. Probably a blanc photo paper could be enough to let her use her own way and imagination?? Nooo!! She has to listen this time.To my words! Her personality should be my inspiration fairy. Let’s do it then.

If you were a real woman or feminist or some artificial creature in the world, what would be your way to express your inner part into a city? Melancholy, fear, height, loneliness, courage, nature, feeth, red, hands,veins, green, nailpolish, readily handmade feeling, skin, self-confidence, passion, your room....etc. As Virginia said, the room of a real woman can be decorated and living just like her; and her windows can be the doors which are completely open to life and harsh reality.

I always loved her; Virginia is my purple.

Thus, I opened my windows to the city in the very early morning; let my smell fly in the air; used my toe-ringed footh as my primitiveness and anger to life by trying to be able to walk,develop and discover alone while the ring was blinking with its metal and cold surface during the deal with the sun; put my footh in front of the window like walking through the sky on barefooth; felt the wind underneath my skin; was totally open to the sun; squeezed the grass and the nature and the building and the life and the reality and the consciousness and the ordinariness and the construction under my soul; closed my eyes; felt the confident pressure somewhere inside and took the picture.

I am still awake, cold and standing on my own bottom; like she does, somewhere, somehow....

road

aloneopenfreesurroundedholy

feeling that sth is missing

i have been thinkin' about it for days like we are always chasing or catching the things around, which we are supposed to be interested in as we hope or guess. however, everything is changing in a fastened way by its own, about which we have no idea or be able to recognise the titles going' on. i am in a confused mood like anna in "anna and the moods", trying to manage the possibilities and catch the clues of life about the coming happenings in the comming days which has loads of surprises inside. by the way it is still cool to be curious and not to be any more, despite collecting the moments we have with the others and accidentally. generally we do not recognise our needs at the right time or place or ...whatever. we are just growing in such a "grassy" mood, we got from the surroundings. all are scepticals. . . actually we tend to trust; but we are not be able to. actually we tend to be in love; but we are not be able to. actually we tend to feel the power inside; but we are not be able to. full of representation and full of show as well.
whereas there are pin holes all around, for the ones whom are trying to see the reality in a traumatic sooth; and holding their wonderlands with some hands..

let's read OSHO; to write, think and accumulate as positively as we can.

now i have to explain malmö to miss universe.. where is my camera, bordel?

gözde, confused..

Angel I can see myself in your eyes
Angel won’t you feel for me from your heart
Do return my heart to me
No don’t insist I’m already hurt

Elephant girl
It was an accident unfortunate
Angel threw me like a rubber man
Aiming for the ground
Why amuse yourself in such way
No don’t insist I’m already hurt

Lay me down on the ground softly softly
Don’t remove my head hurts much too much

You never return it
Well I wouldn’t miss it
I shed no tears for broken me
You never know it my peace of mind
Now inside and outside are matching

Why amuse yourself in such way
No don’t insist I’m already hurt
If you never return it
Will it break your wings
Will you shed no tear for broken me

waiting till

sunbathing

under

the moonlight....

Peppermint Tea

Yesterday was our last rehearsal. Now it is time to wait in the backstage. So we have to calm down...

peppermint tea....)


Tonight I am invited to FORM & DESIGN CENTRE to an opening party of VENUE magazine, with my course; visual communication. It seems so much fun. May be I can write later one more=???

Frame-Check

Today we were in our room to figure the work out.
We prepared it and decided how to do it up to our decisions and
facilities we have. Consequently, we adjudged to reduce the room by using black curtains and
use two parallel curtain walls we did and
two projectors to project our movie in frames and
blow the minds in the room " oda01 ".

Our aim is confusing minds with lots of images and
asking a question in the end to test the memories in a sort of way.

I always loved this bulding part of design. It is like watching your kid, growing up..

.........::::......:::::....::::::.....::::

we are just human beings...
noone is special.

sure..

decisions are the most difficult part of life may be.
because you can not be sure about what is going on around
and what you really wanna be a part of..
we have an idiom in turkish like even worst decisions can be better than
not being able to decide sth.

and also that is what makes you be a direct person in any case;
unless it hurts or not.

we are always writing names onto our walls inside we have
and all of them are being sentenced to be there
till we let them go or the day they have their own end
in a way.

read
;;; ingvar ambjörnsen; saron's hide;;;;


and
be nice to yourself.

Sundays

I always liked sundays more than the others, just for feeling like being at home; preparing the breakfast, talking the whole day, reading and relaxing more than you can.



Put a yellow sticker to all of the sundays=)

The City Malmö

My mood can change up to lots of things around especially wheather, music.. Today could be as crappy as yesterday; because I was so close to be melancholic as a consequence of the new happenings if I let them to survive.Whether I did not.. The wheather was so beautiful and after having a good breakfast and having the laundry, we've just went to the benches close to the beach to read and breath freshly with the sun onto our faces.Perhaps Malmö was totally there, eating ice cream and having fun in the last days of summer. Clem and I walked on the stones,,, oupss!! sorry!! They were ART; called " Diamonds are everywhere."

I just want to thank to the Swedes who make life easier and likeable more than ever even if being against the eaisest, I am..

Discussion

Today our group met with another one to talk and discuss about the "thing" we decided to do. I felt really bad because of not being able to own and defend our idea in front of the teachers and new group. It is the worst feeling for a designer if she can't or don't want to find any word to talk about her design even if she didn't like it. Whatever!!! I hope it will never happen again...(

Today's best part just began when I met with one of my friends in K3 and decided to go to the cafe which I found; but couldn't find any chance to go to drink a cup of coffee and read my book in the middle of the street, having the wind as a guest.. Also learning that she had thought the same like I did, was definitely weird and "lovely" as she said=)

People are generally seperated into different groups; the ones to talk, the ones to listen to, the ones to share....

What We NeEd is MarShMalloWs!!!!

Smells Like A Lot Of Work to do

If you wanna make sth good, means you have lots to do,,,

damn it..

Let's Get It Started

I really liked my group and it seems we will mix our backgrounds which are really different and interesting for each of us.

We had our first meeting with Lisa, an artist who will keep an eye on us for the coming days, and talked about our previous homework, like finding a colour(aesthetic), place and question about our new task's way. Mein was red woman body, our balcony in Rönnen and "is knowledge freedom or not?".. I really do not know which one is freedom, learning as much as you can or using the independence of closing your doors to the things around that you are not interested in enough...

At the end of the day we found what we wanna do like exhausting people more than ever by using the ordinary happenings in their surroundings in 5min. hot shot.
We will prepare a room full of this activators and project the movies,enclosing our researches as movies sounds or whatever.. And then at the same time we are gonna delay the people whom let into the room and project them onto the walls,they are looking at; just to be more caotic may be.

But Lisa wonders our aim of doing it!!! Perhaps we are not sure ; but it is certain that it is gonna be sth like I would like to be apart..

yepPp!! Ready!! Go!!

New Task, New Group, Workkk..

we had our new groups today and new tasks. I am really excited; because we will work with different groups than the ones before and it will be a good experience to work on our own without being told what to do... well!! we discussed a little and decided to decide later=) and we went to a thai restaurant and had some cheap and delicious food; altough I am really interested in asian food..

I am feeling like this one will be more funny than the others and totally ours...=)
yummy yummy for knowledge and exhibition taste..

Well done,

Today was one of my close friend's birthday, Carmen, a real spanish girl, a kind of danger may be, a great listener, and is good at finding solutions of people's problems not her own...( like each of us) . We had a delicious and endless dinner, most of which was being cooked by her mother in her short holiday. I think everybody, somehow, has to taste special spanish dinner, like swimming in a food ocean and full of different and new tastes in. However it is going to cost more, because of being have to go jogging everyday to be able to digest...=( We are deciding to do this everyday like uncoming diet programmes in mondays..=) In fact tomorrow is the birth day; so a new and enjoyable party is "coming soon", and we will be sorry again not to be able to begin one more...

Besides, today I actually felt special and lucky; just for having good friends and meeting with vital cultures in the way between our lives. Well done, I mean..

Malmö Tour for..

Today we met with some friends to take some pictures for visual communication lesson. Even if we have responsed for doing it, it was really funny and experimental and exciting; to walk and look around the city in a different aim and being more curious about your surrounding like realizing every detail by colourizing and discussing with each other after your mind.

I am losing my mind while taking pictures and feeling myself in my work completely.That's why I ran after an absolutely cool man who was not only riding his children in a special bike, which has a sign christianbike.com in the front side, but also smoking his pipe.

It is such a magnificent feeling to have this passion inside for something. I think everybody needs something to discharge his mind and greed.

On the other hand we made our music with 3of us in one of our friend's room, is a sort of improvised drama game which I was making with my drama group as rituels to learn how to feel the power of the group and listen to the sinergy inside of the circle. And now we have another member. She decided to join us when we told how we relaxed.

I love open minded and curious people whom are ready for different tastes...

Provocating Daily..

Today was not only tiring but also great and funny. We finished our workshop with unsworn.org in a really interesting way, coreographing for 100 and making in 2hours. It was actually some sort of provacative. Or it just looked like it. Because there were people around whom are working for the Swedish election and we were like young, hot and ready provocaters...) For me the work was totally well done; except one part... One of the guys said the numbers in german for signing us to march, irritated me so much. Well!! next week we will have our own projects.... I have no idea and it makes me curious.... We'll see..)

Unsworn & Visual Communication

Today we had an introduction with Unsworn, a design group ( http://www.unsworn.org ), which was quite interesting and funny; because of being about things what I am interested in, like critisizing daily habits and being able to change the ordinary life into something unusual and unexpected just for a few hours. We are going to be happier than before while damaging the usibility may be!!

(::Nowadays everybody hates usibility for some reason::)

I had my first visual communication lesson, either. It is about photography. It sounds great, I mean.. Our first homework was describing ourselves by taking pictures in a photo bus. Afterwards, we discussed; and these were great moments for me, because Alisa guessed the things like my wish to sign, using my red lipstick, hair and the tattoo which I hope to have on my back as a way of being the real owner of my soul and body.

((.......equus by nature
timid creature.......))

It is good to know human beings are all handmade=)
See you tomorrow.............................

pnar.

BeautifuL boYs

Born illegitimately
To a whore, most likely
He became an orphan
Oh what a lovely orphan he was
Sent to the reformatory
Ten years old, was his first glory
Got caught stealing from a nun
Now his love story has begun

Thirty years he spent wanderin'
A devil's child with dove wings
Oh He went to prison and now the country he set foot in
Oh how he loved prison
He loved, ( He was )
Prison...

All those beautiful boys
Kings and Queens
And criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

His greatest love was executed
The pure romance was undisputed
Angelic, And Love Sent, Holy Ones.....

All those beautiful boys,
Kings and Queens,
And criminal queers,
All those beautiful boys,
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

All those beautiful boys,
Kings and Queens,
And criminal queers,
All those beautiful boys,
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

All those beautiful boys
Beautiful boys...
All those beautiful boys
Beautiful boys...

Those beautiful boys...

KramZon

For the New Beginning project, we decided to make a HUGGING ZONE in Lillatorget as an unexpected happening in our daily lives. It was an enjoyable workshop to prepare our staff for the "premier" of the work.

Afterwards we went to Lillatorget at 11:30. We chose lunch time to be sure that there will be so many people around, means more possibility to be able to see our project is working. At first people just walked around the square we made or just crossed it without any reaction. At the time when excitement began to turn into hopelessness, people started to figure it out and hug each other by turning to the square like with a kind of respect.

On the other hand, don't think that it completely worked. People didn't run to the square for sharing their feelings or having some time emotionally. May be sometimes;
it reminded them being alone
or just made them thought that they do not want to hug anyone anymore...
or they needed to get a queue number as usual in Sweden.
or they just obeyed the rules..


(((Everybody has his own road in Sweden. Be sure that
you're in the right one. Follow the lines__________)))

While watching our scenary on the scene of life, I realised that sometimes we are not so curious about our surroundings. We are always in a hurry or we are too adult not to be able to enjoy.

Besides we heard that a bomb was found in Gustaf A. Torget at the same time. It was quite like an Irony; because we were trying to built up lives and they were trying to damage. Sometimes life seems so like Nietsche.. Isn't it???

Owning Life

It was a kind of nonsense at first, to be able to trust or to be able to be closer. Life changes as quick as it can and sometimes you can not manage the things around.

It is mostly a kind of bouquet of happenings, makes you well or not.

We have inner and outer parts which we share with our friends in different kinds of boundaried places, we have made to protect ourselves from being hurt. So why we generally do not let the others to open the doors easily or without permission.

Nowadays I am in such a glad to be the one for some people and find the chance to open their doors as much as I can.

On the other hand I have a new place in the world, called Strasbourg and a new happening, whom is loudly, naughty, sweet and be able to fight all the time...=)

Clem,
here you are..thanks for living in the 5th floor...!!

::::

never drunk again::::

paRty, paRty, paRty

I am in one of my friend's place and it is time to dance,,,
see you tomorrow,,,
do not forget to enjoy yourself,,,
do not let the melancholy come into your soul,,,
have fun,,,
pnar.

Fin ( ice-cream )

TodAy accidently I added myself to another project group to walk, talk, eat and talksomemore. In the beginning I felt a little bit ashamed, but afterwards it was pretty good to be with the people and talk about ourselves, our countries and living-style and so on. It was really great for me; because I am always interested in meeting and sharing my little, precious moments with people. It is the best way of shopping, I mean. Because it feeds your spirit in a way of life.

Well!! At first we decided the places which we will go and then began the first part of the task by walking. In this trip, I learned so many, new things; like fish is really expensive in MalMo. So if you wanna buy fish, you have to offer from Norway. Or If you wanna have a cup of coffee with purple blancets, you have to go to form and design center whhich can be pretty expensive. And also you have to see how ugly is the clock, on the opposite wall of the entrance of the central station.... All of these if sentences were the talking part =) Then we decided to have a break for eating. I preferred the Greek Restaurant where you pay once eat as many as you can...( if there is someone who wants to learn where it is, can ask me.) Later we went to the city library to talksomemore around the stone, in front of the city-library. Today was the introduction with New Beginnings, I think. Because we have some more comments about the work they do.

During this conversation I got the best news of the day like being invited by KAOSPILOTS to talk about my biggest and caotic "amore" , ISTANBUL.

In fact as it was a normal day as usual till the time eating ice-cream with someone special. I exactly like having meanings for moments in my mind. Sometimes, I mean, afterwards they hurt too much; but they are my way of feeling life. They make the life to be able to be nicer, I guess. So thanks to the owners of my little, precious moments and thanks to the ice-cream and Malmo. Not only being sunny, but also being windy as well.

Somehow the parts are finding their own spaces and each of us has the passion in.

pnar.

We'll see...!

May be it is really diffucult to be an exchange student in Malmö, because of having lots of plans for each day like cooking Slovenian food, going the Symphony Orchestra's concert, being invited to eat french pancakes and having a course in the middle.. I am not good at choosing and may be time is not enough to do all. However, I will do my best. We 'll see!!
And well! It is the right time to talk about the Swedish way of thinking. In fact, Swedish people are absolutely relaxed, nice and peaceful. They are so naive. They have a common system and they like rules, which make life pretty easier.However on the other hand, generally nobody is sure about anyhing and the most famous answer is " We'll see".
So I don't know how will it be like...
We'll see...=)

Signs

While going out of my bed,I felt the terrible taste in my throat and in fact I got the all signs that would be a bad day for me. however, sometimes we don't wanna believe that it will happen. and then the scenary began to be written by itself.
Round 1: I learned that avocado is not only healthy but also fatty than the other fruits, which is a sign to change the habits.
Round 2: I couldn't find someone to take some pictures for my project and I looked around for a while like a kitty.
Round 3: While coming to school, I got totally wet; and my curly hair turned into a flattened ball.
Round 4: I went to Orkannen to print out; but it took 1 HOUR. Because of the high-tech machines.
And now I am really frightened of going out from school. Because I am sure something will happen!!! =#

WhAt a pitty foR a kiTTy livinG in a biG ciTy!!

Malmo Festivalen

It was the beginning of the festival and we; all the exchange students; were in a wonder while making our crayfish hats for the traditional party and the competition between us. It was fullfilled with fun and we had great time during the festival. We got wet; because of the great weather of Malmo. On the other hand in fact none of us remember the first night. We were all drunk and looking around like small dogs, which are wishing to be back home. That night was a little more important for me than the others. Because it was my first professional kalimochu night. The spanish ones can be angry to me because of the spelling; but thanks for introduction=) On this picture you can see the unconciousness in my eyes: like being confused about choosing the toilet.)

orange juice i sverige!

Here the curly is in Sweden! In an excitement, wonder, and waiting for the renewing of mind. Mostly like deadlines of concious choices...!